Jump to content
Gerard Butler GALS

Is Integrity a Thing of the Past?


Dr. Em
 Share

Recommended Posts

I recently posted this blog on my myspace account, but thought I’d throw it out there to you GALS for comment as well as many of you don’t have a myspace account.

Yes, my mood is a wee bit discouraged, but this too shall pass…on with the blog…

So the last couple of days have been enlightening but a little rough as well.

I am a woman who truly places a high value on integrity and honesty and in this world of deceit and lies, I’m wondering if a woman of integrity has any place in today’s society.

Part of the problem lies with me as I unrealistically think everyone will be as honest as I am and that just isn’t how it works. I refuse to wear dark glasses to see the world, yet I don’t believe I wear rose-colored glasses either, so should I don the dark glasses and start to see the world and the people in it with dark glasses – at least then I can protect myself from the hurt and disappointment that comes from the realizations that people aren’t as honest as I had hoped they’d be?

Is that the answer?

Last year, one of my dearest friends burned me to the point that I thought I would never recover, but I did. I should have become more cynical, but I don’t like to live life that way and so I recovered from my burns, and moved on. Learning some valuable lessons along the way and realizing I was much stronger than even I knew!

On top of that, my ex-husband pulled a “shi**y” that was even lower than I thought HE was capable of and because it involved one of my children, I honestly didn’t think I would recover and to be frank, I probably haven’t.

I know in my heart that someday these things will come back on them and that I must, and have, forgiven them, but the hurt remains as well as the lessons I have learned because of those dark days, but sometimes that is little consolation.

I am very lucky to have a core group of friends that I can literally trust with my life and do. They are my support and my rock. I love them with all my heart and I know that regardless of some of the stupid things that I do, they will not judge me, nor will they betray me and they will ALWAYS have my back and be there for me. I also know they share my views of integrity and honesty and because of this, we have very common bonds.

But back to the original question. Is integrity a thing of the past or does it still have a place in this society? Is it okay to be deceitful or dishonest if that action will further your career or generate more income for you? Is it okay to betray your friends if it somehow will benefit you? Is integrity subjective or is it a constant? Is integrity one man’s black and white while another’s grey area?

Whatever happened to the “Golden Rule?”

I’ll throw these questions out there for whomever to reply to and to possibly enlighten me on how to deal with the world at large.

:hugs:

Dr. Em

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is very thought provoking, Dr. Em. I'm curious what others will say.

I don't think integrity is a thing of the past, but I do think that it has taken a beating over the years. We are bombarded with images of people that are mean to each other, lie to one another, cheat on each other and still somehow, are able to keep going on their lives with apparently no real consequences.

But you have to wonder about their soul. Are they really happy? Can they truly look at themselves in the mirror each day and be proud of what they've done? That's a question only they can answer. And I'm not sure any of them take the time to think about it.

I'm sorry for the hurt and disappointment that you've experienced. I wish there was a way to make the hurt go away. Years ago, my husband and I were hurt very deeply by people that were not just family members but friends as well. That hurt still hasn't truly gone away. It left us with a big hole in our lives that took a long time to fill in. And I think the worst part of it was that we wondered how our judgement of people could be THAT wrong.

Hold your head high, Dayna, with the choices you make in your life. You ARE a woman of integrity and I'm proud to know you.

:hugs:

Jilly

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dayna,

You are a gem... still an innocent despite every blow you've been hit with. I like you that way, and that's also why I like this site... because GALS reflects YOUR view of the world.

This is what my husband said when I read your post to him: "No.... you are not a relic, you are a remnant."

Unfortunately I DO believe that integrity and honor are on short supply in this world. I have been badly burnt by close friends, and by people I trusted... but like you, I refuse to become cynical. So long as you hold onto, and live by your values, I do believe that EVENTUALLY you will come out on top. It may take time, but you will.

Meanwhile...those dear and loyal friends you mentioned, appreciate and love you for the person you are.

Swannie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dearest Dayna - I think you know my opinions on this subject, but I'm glad to post them here as well. Integrity and honesty have NOT and never should go out of style. I too am often baffled by people who don't seem to grasp this concept, who will do or say anything to further their own agenda and to hell with whether it is truthful or honest.

I used to work for a boss whom I felt had no integrity and it bothered me tremendously. We would constantly butt heads because I wanted things done the right way and his answer was always "we can't make any money if we do that". Well now I work for a boss who is much more honest and has a lot of integrity and guess what, we do things the right way and we STILL MAKE MONEY!!

Like you I have a core group of friends that I trust implicitly, whom I know I can count on to be like-minded when it comes to "doing the right thing". There are others I know of whom I am far less confident and for that reason I tend to play things closer to the vest where they are concerned.

I'm not sure what has precipitated your blog entry, nor do I need to know. But please don't lose faith and hope regarding honesty and integrity. They are still alive and in many of us they are well and thriving. Maybe its a little Pollyanna-ish of me but I believe in the long run that right will win out. Sometimes it is very frustrating when it seems that those who operate on a value system that is far removed from that manage to get ahead, or manage to get inside our defenses and then turn the knife when we least expect it. But know that there will always be a circle of good that surrounds you, a circle of people who do know right from wrong and will be YOUR personal "300" if ever called upon.

The most important thing is to maintain personal integrity when faced with the opposite in others. Sometimes I just want to turn the tables on someone and give them a taste of their own medicine, but that lowers me to their level and removes my own integrity, so I have often had to really restrain myself in those situations.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Dr. Em,

The more I'm learning about you the more I’m confident that we have crossed some of the same bridges in our lives.

To answer your question "Yes!" there is still integrity in this world, although I also believe it is becoming more and more at risk with each new generation.

Like you, I enjoy believing in people. I like to believe that the majority of people are good natured and trustworthy. I myself try to be that type of person and have been burned time and time again and will probably continue to get burned because I too like wearing "clear" glasses.

I believe with all my heart that the failings of people as a whole stems from the lack of interest, as a society, in the children of today. Too many of us women are out there on our own raising children, trying to work and provide for them. We've become plumber, electrician, teacher, carpenter, preacher, and nurse. Husbands who have left us and become weekend playmates are all but useless in our fight to produce intelligent and morally whole children.

Too many times in our fight to keep on top of our "duties" our children tire of us and begin to play the game........"Well, if you won't let me then I'll ask Dad". Now, on top of everything else, we're warriors too!! Going off to battle already weary and spent, but we go anyway because it's our children we're fighting for.

Do those of us that work this hard possess integrity? Absolutely! And our children see this and (in time) begin to understand what we went through for them and because of them. We're teaching them how to be contributing members of society and how to care about the important things and that "anything" is possible if you give it 100%!!!

All of us know there are Mother's and Father's who DON'T care and who are too busy to be good parents. There are drug abusers, alcoholics, and just plain lazy people out there who simply turn their backs on their kids. What have they taught them? Nothing of value!! They've taught them how to cheat, lie, trick, and escape responsibility.

Budget cuts in our educational system have driven good teachers to seek different and better paying jobs. In our desperate attempt to manage life, we've stopped bringing our kids to Sunday School where they learn God's laws on how to be a good person. Our politicians slip further and further from the public's graces due to scandal and breech of promises made. We are walking against hurricane strength winds trying to keep our children on the straight and narrow - and I believe it's worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears!!!

Integrity will prevail - it will be scattered - but it will prevail. Our children will make it so!! If we are good teachers and good examples and show them the injustice in this world and make their hearts open up to the less fortunate and grow up to be caring and giving and intelligent adults - they will teach their children to do so also.

It takes a whole community to make "home" a beautiful place. Neighbors, teachers, friends, family, and even strangers have a responsibility to encourage kindness and compassion. If we see an injustice being done - do we stand up and say something or do we turn the other cheek? As hard as it is sometimes to do......we have to take the higher road and stand up for justice, integrity, and honor. It's our responsibility to each other. All of us.....

Linda

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dayna----I love you for your honesty & sensitivity Lady! I was at GB.net a few months before you all started GALS. And I followed you immediately! You may not realize this---but since then you have been an inspiration & source of well being for me. We have alot of heartache & damage in common so you are not alone! The reason we suffer tho is because we are the ones who value & hold precious honesty & integrity. Those who don't just don't let the lack of it disturbe them. I'm glad you are the way you are (as I only know of you from here). I think we all would like to think Gerard Butler has those same qualities we hold so dear & thru you he has brought us together here! To share & be friends---and in my favorite Gerry words "And I Love That!"

Debrasue :hug99: :hugsandsnogs: :hearts::comfort:

wow I just became a slave gal!

Edited by Debrasue
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You ladies are always so amazing and I’m here at work with tears in my eyes – and you KNOW how much I hate to cry!

I do know that right will always win in the long run, it’s just been a rough couple of weeks really, with people showing their true colors to me left and right. The thing that makes that hard is that I allowed myself to place any modicum of trust in them in the first place. I feel like banging my head against a wall and shouting, “WAKE UP!” But even though I say that, I would not be who I am if I was not the trusting person I am. Will I continue to get burned? Oh yeah, but I don’t want to live my life suspecting everyone’s motives. Is that really a good way to live?

I know there is a saying, “Live in the world, but not be OF the world.” I guess that is where integrity comes in. Yes, I CAN look myself in the mirror and though there are times I need to take a wee bit of Windex to the mirror and make amends to those I may have harmed, I try to keep the reflection I see, one that I can live with.

It IS amazing to me how many people justify dishonesty and deceit with saying, “Its business.” Since when did integrity go out of the window where business is concerned? People have become so “me-centered” that in pursuit of their own dreams, they don’t even realize they have just stepped on good people along the way and worse, are those people who don’t care or who receive joy from knowing they made to the top on the backs of others.

Thank you to my own little army of “300” whom I can always count on.

I love you GALS!

:hugs:

Dr. Em

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest greyeyegoddess

Putting it simply,

People who are selfish do not display honesty nor integrity. They cannot because it would mean that they place others over themselves.

As someone who has watched you interact with others, I see that you value other people before yourself.

Honesty requires someone to understand and respect others. Selfish people do not know the meaning of honesty.

Integrity requires one to respect himself or herself while amongst others. Selfish people don't even see anyone but themselves.

I'm sorry that you have had to go through such things, Dr. Em. It's always the sweetest people who get hurt the most.

:hugs:

~alice

:music:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay, so I know you and I aren’t as familiar with one another as others here at GALS are but here’s my answer.

I and my younger brother have a very small business that entails us being in the Service end of that business which puts us smack-dab in the middle of the Sales People & the Customers. Its like being between a rock and a hard place because invariable one or the other and often both, flat-out lie to each other and it leaves my brother and I literally holding the bag. Trying to deal honestly with people who do not even know that the concept of honesty exists.

It finally gets to the point that the truth no longer matters to either of them, just fix “it” and make everyone happy. It really gets to my brother because he is a man of his word. He was taught that a hand-shake is as good as any 100 page document signed & notarized by 100 people. And occasionally we have a customer (like today) who had tears in her eyes because my brother was honest with her during her entire job process. He was the only one who explained all the “cans” and “can’t” do’s. He didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear, he told her the truth and she Thanked him for that.

Its not that it doesn’t “get” to me it just that I spent a long time in self-discovery during my 20 and 30’s and a few of the things I took away from it is this….

I simply can NOT change them. Nothing I say, nothing I do, can change them. I can only change myself and how I re-act to them and/or the situation. It may not always be pleasant and may even involve a hard lesson (sometimes a lesson I thought I had already learned) but at least I acted honorably and true to myself and my beliefs.

The second lesson I learned was the last gift my father gave me when he died. As he laid in his bed, spending his last moments in this world, not once did he think about the things he didn’t do or of any of the hurts he suffered or of the people who had wronged him in this world. All he cared about was that the people that he loved most, were by his side. So all the people who had done him wrong, had made him doubt himself at one time or another, had hurt him physically, mentally & emotionally, they simply were NOT in his thoughts. He had let them go because in the end, “they or it” no longer mattered. All that mattered was right there in that room and the hands that held his and the eyes that looked into his eyes and the whispered “I love you”.

So as hard as this may be, try to step away from the hurt and realize you can not change them. You can only change how it affects you. Its not easy and it takes a lot of practice but you have to start somewhere. And the last thing, ask yourself, when you are living your last moments on this earth, do you actually think that this hurt you are having right now, will it be your last thought? Or will you instead rejoice in the love and the people that are around you.

So IMHO, Integrity is not a thing of the past. Integrity is still alive and well. You find it with the little old lady who Thanks you for treating her with dignity and respect. You find it with the little kids who bring a can of food each week to school or church to donate to the hungry simply because they Promised they would (even if it makes Mom or Dad late to work/church because you forgot it as you were heading out the door). You find it in the sales clerk who runs you down in the parking lot because you forgot one of your bags. Integrity is still out there, sometimes its just not where you necessarily expect it or wish for it to be. And sometimes you have to look really hard to find it. LOL ;) But its still out there. Don't despair

Hugs & Prayers,

Nina (Meecie)

P.S. Sorry for being so long-winded.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had to reread the posts--they are very moving! I am just amazed how dear all the gals are here--you all show so much strength of inner character--I am humbled, truly. I'm one of those people who don the sunglasses once in a while. When I'm very low & insecure--when my emotions are right below the surface--that's when I need to step back & protect myself. I'm in the process of sorting myself out at the moment (I really hate to be such a downer!). But I click on GBGals and for a short time I can take the sunglasses off & smile!

Debrasue

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:claphands: I am starting to think there is some kind of conspiracy going on at the moment. There seems to be a lot of unhappiness and hurt being thrown about presently.

I am sorry Dr Em you have been hurt too..

Dr Em, just remember: -

"To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see everyday is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform."

So Dr Em stick to your guns, Gal!!

Stay as you are, lovely and generous.

"Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What an awesome thread this is, and I'm amazed at the wisdom of all of your thoughts. Dayna, dear, I know exactly where you are coming from and the hurt that you have experienced at the callousness of others. No, I don't know the details, nor do I need to know them, but the disillusion you have suffered because of others is universal.

Meecie, you hit the nail on the head. We simply cannot answer for the way others act. Nor can we beat ourselves up for finding that, because of our trust, we have opened ourselves up to being hurt. We can, however, set our own standards higher, and recognize that dishonesty and betrayal cannot be justified.

Dayna, your integrity shines as a beacon to others. It may be only a spark, but someone's way will be lighted by knowing you and seeing the life you live. And as long as there are even a few of us remaining with our lights shining, then, integrity and honesty are not things of the past.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a really tough question, Dr. Em. I know that it often appears that everyone is just out for number 1 these days, but I don't believe that most people are that way. I believe that most people are good and decent. I say that even though I have been hurt in the past too. That being said, I don't open up to new acquaintances as easily as I used to. I also have a burglar alarm on my house and car, and would never dream of leaving a door or window unlocked. It's sad that we have to protect ourselves that way. After all, there are bad people out there. I just don't believe they're in the majority. Yet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dayna, your integrity shines as a beacon to others. It may be only a spark, but someone's way will be lighted by knowing you and seeing the life you live. And as long as there are even a few of us remaining with our lights shining, then, integrity and honesty are not things of the past.

Wow, Libbs,

What a BEAUTIFUL statement! I have chills! Now that you are a MOD, your talents are coming to the forefront, dear lady!

Swannie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This board is full of such wonderful women. Dr. Em, keep being you and living the way you are. I always tell my sons that sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing of all to do. It is so much easier to think of yourself and be selfish and hurt other people in the process. The ones who do the right thing always have it come back to them tenfold.

We are on short supply of this in the world but if more people were like you...we'd all be better off. Set the example and hopefully more human beings will catch on. Reminds me of the commercial about responsibility where one person sees someone doing something nice/right for the other one and it becomes this great big circle of awesomeness.

Dont let those people get you down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The thing that makes that hard is that I allowed myself to place any modicum of trust in them in the first place. I feel like banging my head against a wall and shouting, “WAKE UP!” But even though I say that, I would not be who I am if I was not the trusting person I am. Will I continue to get burned? Oh yeah, but I don’t want to live my life suspecting everyone’s motives. Is that really a good way to live?

Some are so afraid of the hurt, they avoid making any kind of connection with anyone...it's a lonely way to live. Yes, all of us will be burned in our lives, but if you avoid trusting anyone, you may miss out getting to know some really wonderful people. Haha...I say that when I have trust issues myself, but I realize what I'm missing out on, and I want to start taking risks...if I get hurt, so be it. It is painful, but I'll survive, and you will too. :hug:

Janine

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I often find it has been said better by others. Very well stated ladies....

"In all things preserve integrity; and the consciousness of thine own uprightness will alleviate the toil of business, soften the hardness of ill-success and disappointments, and give thee an humble confidence before God, when the ingratitude of man, or the iniquity of the times may rob thee of other reward." ~ Paley

"Nothing more completely baffles one who who if full of trick and duplicity, than straightforward and simple integrity in another." ~ Colton

Dr. Em,

This place is a reflection of you,

the admins and mods.

Look here when you doubt.

Friends make the best mirrors.

Kristine

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Everyone has been so eloquent. Dayna, I hope you feel comforted as well as reassured by this thread. Thank you for sharing one of your 'down' moments. It gives us all a chance to 'raise you up' as you have done that and so much more for all of us here at GALS, beginning with that one post in a thread at another fan site nearly two years ago! Amazing!

Dayna, I'm so sorry that you're going through this disappointment and hurt right now. Sometimes life can deal blows that make us wonder if there's any hope...hope for this world and any of us in it. As long as there are people in this world who care about others, then there IS hope.

Integrity is not a thing of the past. I suppose in this day and time, we just have to look for it a little bit harder, and work to keep it part of ourselves and those around us.

Hugs,

Katie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow! You GALS are truly amazing.

I am humbled beyond words at your outpouring of support and love.

Though I am discouraged, have no fear, I will come back and be stronger than ever. Sometimes I just have to step back and take stock and maybe readjust my thinking somewhat.

I do believe in the inherent goodness of people and I believe in Karma. You GALS are my reward for whatever good I may have done and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

:hugs:

Dayna

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dayna, you raised a very good topic. Often I read the news and it is so discouraging, because those who believe in integrity are treated like weirdos. When it comes to morals and ethics, the current attitude is that it's all relative. Unfortunately I have come across those who would crush others in their way, even in church.

I am so sorry that you are going through these trials right now. But they will pass and I am confident that you will be better when you come out of them. Thank you for creating this place, where we can safely express our hearts and give to each other.

Big hugs :comfort:

Irene

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Dayna,

I'm in your shoes a bit at the moment. A woman whom I've considered one of my closest friends has used, insulted and ignored me a bit much, and I have sadly realized that there's no reason to keep the friendship. It's especially difficult because I don't make really strong friendships easily because I find it hard to trust people. The irony is that I then experience something as I have with my friend, which validates my feelings. Also, in August, I was kicked in the gut by my boss when he literally got up and walked out on me as I was asking our dean for a raise and promotion, both of which he'd swore he'd support. It was easier to go back to his office and play solitaire for $106,000/year (no, I am NOT joking) than have the guts to stand up to the dean for me, the person who did HIS work. And this is a somewhat vocal, "do-the-right-thing," religious man. The more I know people, the more I like my pets!

As difficult as it is, though, I'm going to keep pushing myself to meet people in the hopes that I'll make friendships, however few, with persons whose values match my own. I hope you do, too.

If you want to look at the bigger picture, why is integrity in short supply? Take a look at who we reward, and for what. Ever hear of "golden parachutes"? They're dream severance packages given to terminated executives. Doesn't matter if the exec has brought ruin of some kind to the company. Just look at what happened in the stock market crash. How many execs lost tons of money for their investors, and, in many cases, pensions for their employees, and walked away with cash? Mike Ovitz, the former kingpin of Hollywood agents, walked away with $140 MILLION dollars from Disney after a short, unsuccessful stint there in 1995.

Mike Ovitz' golden parachute

Granted, this is probably one of the most extreme cases, but these things do happen.

How often are frivolous lawsuits started because someone hurt themselves doing something they shouldn't have been doing, but they're looking to get rewarded for their stupidity or irresponsibility?

And it's true that there's no such thing as bad publicity. Ever hear of Latrell Sprewell? He was a college basketall player that was suspended from play for a while for choking his coach. But he did go on to a lucrative career in the NBA. Not bad, huh?

In a world where such things as the above exist, and are publicized and therefore, IMO, encouraged, it's no wonder that there's a trickle-down effect in our personal lives, where values, such as integrity among those in whom we should be able to trust, are not as sure as we'd thought.

Keep your chin - and your standards - up, Dayna! :claphands:

--Danielle

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Dayna,

I recently posted a similar blog on my myspace profile. I was at the point where I had been hurt so much by people I care about that I was ready to just quit trusting, quit making friends, and just shut everyone out. But several of my friends on myspace came on there and reminded me why I am so trusting and open. I was told that who I am sets me apart from others. You are the same. I KNOW that I can come to you for advice and comfort. Several months ago when I was a mess you did everything you could to help me....remember the email you wrote for me? That touched me beyond belief. You are an amazing person and the people around you are BLESSED to have you in their life.

The person that hurt me so much that caused me to write the blog in the first place later came back to apologize and we are ok now....not good but ok. He said that it had been eating him up inside that he hurt me. So I choose to believe that when people hurt us they suffer more than we do. God gave us all a conscience...thats what tells us we are fooking up. Some people just choose not to listen to. A good friend told me that the ones that are good feel the most pain...Jesus Christ, 300 Spartans...and right now you. But think of it this way. Jesus Christ is the most worshipped man in the universe. The 300 Spartans are hero's...and you dear Dayna are our hero.

I love you,

Suz

Edited by Suz
Link to comment
Share on other sites

:comfort: Self proclaimed hermit here. God, could I tell you some things. The details are different but the stories are similar, almost always.

It would have ended with this - none of us is alone and a few bright gems are better than a chest full of plastic coins!

:fans: You women deserve a round of applause. And this too... :drink:
note: not promoting alcoholism - it could be sparkling mineral water in that glass... Edited by RayOfSunshine
Link to comment
Share on other sites

LIFE IS JUST A ROLE WE PLAY,

MAKE EVERY ACTION FULL OF

PASSION AND COMPASSION !!!

ALWAYS " TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE "

"INTEGRITY" IS THE FOUNDATION OF OUR SOUL !!!

WITHOUT THAT WE HAVE NOTHING AT ALL !

FOR TAKING AND FOR GIVING AND FOR PLAYING THE GAME;

FOR CRYNG OUT LOUD I LOVE YOU ......MEATLOAF

DLSPBS - PAT -

A SHOUT-OUT TO GBGALS FROM

CHICAGO - GMCL'S

Edited by DLSPBS
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dayna - to the bottom of my soul I will always believe that there are more good people out there than bad. The bad ones just seem to get more publicity and more attention for whatever the reason. Keep that in your heart. Don't ever give up on trusting people.

:hugs:

Jilly

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...