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Gerard Butler GALS
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GBPhanatic

LIFE ON THE FARM

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I have to share this story but I wasn't sure where to put it. It's just another day in the life here on the farm in the good ol' midwest!

Yesterday, we were getting ready to leave to go to the city and pick up tickets to, of all things, The Phantom of The Opera, which is coming to the Music Hall in KC. I was having trouble getting my dogs in and my husband went out to call them. They seldom run off, we have sixty acres for them to roam. I was in the house when he came in requesting a "trash bag". I asked him why he needed one? He said Bo is back and he brought a "gift". I asked him what and he told me a dead animal.

Now, I'm usually mortified by this, but this kind of thing happens on occasion, you know the occasional rabbit, or other rodent. Anyway, I asked him what kind of animal was it? He asked me why that would make a difference? It was dead. I said it makes a great deal of difference. He then told me it was an opossum. This is a very common occurrence here.

I told him, "well, then it's not dead". He said "what do you mean it's not dead! I know a dead animal when I see it!"

I said, "It's not dead, I will guarantee you."

He said, "give me the trash bag, please, I need to dispose of it"

I said, "I'll give you a bag but it's not dead."

He is getting upset with me now. "Damn it, I think I know when I'm looking down in to the face of a dead animal! That thing is dead and there is no doubt of it!"

I said, "Did you check it's vitals?"

He said, "What? Check it's vitals! You want me to get rabies or something? How would I check it's "vitals""

I said, "You take two finger and place them on the carotid artery on it's neck".

He says, "What? I'm not placing anything on that DEAD animal! It might have some sort of "death reflex" just long enough to bite me!"

I say, "If it's dead, it will have no "death reflex and bite you. You better check it."

He says, "I'm not checkin it!"

I say, "then put a mirror up to it's nose and see if it's breathing".

He says, "What? You do it!"

I say, " I don't have to do it because I know it's NOT DEAD!"

He said, "It IS DEAD, just give me the "bleep" 'n trash bag!"

I retrieved the bag and handed it to him. "Well, once you get it in the bag, what are your plans?"

He says, "What do you think my plans are! I'm going to get rid of the thing!"

I say, "And how are you going to do that?"

He says, "I'll throw it in the back of the pick up and when we leave, I'll toss it out somewhere along a secluded road where the dogs won't find it and bring it back!"

I say, "OK, but why don't you leave the bag open".

He says, quite perturbed at me, "why leave the bag open?"

I say, "so he can get out of it easier."

He says, "get out of it! HE'S DEAD, HE CAN'T MOVE!"

I say, "OK, whatever!"

I watch him as he marches off, cursing under his breath, carrying the bag, towards the motionless lump of fur lying out in the field. I see him carefully pick the poor thing up by it's tail and guide it in to the trash bag. He then carried it over and flung it in the back of the truck.

After a while, we left and drove about a mile away from our house on the way to the major highway, most this road is very secluded. He stops to "dispose" of the body near a lovely creek. I say my usual little prayer, just for affect, that I say over any deceased critters I may come across that are beyond help.

He gets out of the truck and removes his favorite leather jacket and throws it in the back seat. He then goes to the back of the truck and as I hear the tailgate come down I also hear, "son of a "bleep"n, mo "bleepin" f'n! He comes back up to the cab of the truck looking very distraught! I ask him calmly what the problem was?

"The damn thing is still alive and it's standing up in the back of my truck hissing!"

I say, "oh really? What are you going to do now?"

He shouts, "well, I've got to figure out how to get him out, what do you think? You're no help sitting here!"

I say, "oh, don't pull me in to this! I already did my part. I warned you! Now you're on your own!"

He goes back to the back of the truck, cursing under his breath and I hear him talking to the animal. "Come on then little guy, let's go, shoo!"

I yell back. "You can't expect him to just jump from there! The fall might kill him!"

He comes back up to the cab. "So then what do you expect me to do?" I shrug.

He then finds a little stick to "encourage" the animal to jump about ten times it's own height from the back of the truck. He then comes back up to the cab again. "He's dead. He finally just keeled over and died".

I say, "Yes, and he will die many times if he feels you are threatening him." He looks back in the bed and see's that the possum has, indeed risen from the dead.

I suggest that we back the truck up to a berm of some kind so he'll be more comfortable with his descent. The look I received was nothing less than one of pure annoyance but least I remind him that this was all his fault for not listening to me in the first place.

He gets back in the truck and we move a little bit up the road to where an embankment is. He then backs the truck up to the berm slowly. The sounds of our "back up" beepers on the truck is making the whole scene even more hilarious as the animal stands almost in anticipation of his exit.

He stops the truck and gets out, and goes back to his gentle encourage for the animal to leave. He then comes back to me. "He's still not leaving! What now?"

I suggest, "take the trash bag and kind of shoo him with it.'

He says, "He's STANDING ON IT! I'm not going to pull it out from under him and further antagonize him to point he chews my face off!"

Then, in the midst of our discussion and probably tired of listening to the bickering, the animal took it upon himself to exit the bed of the truck and is out an on the ground. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

My husband gets back in to the cab and looks at me very seriously and asks, "why do you think he was looking at me with such an angry expression on his face?"

I say, "I don't know. Could have been the way you picked him up by the tail, flung his body in to a trash bag, and wanted to dump him somewhere and leave him for dead. Any of those things might have provoked it.

He sits there not admitting that it's always the same old problem and I asked him, "what do you think the lesson learned here today would be?"

He says, "never go to the box office to buy tickets when you can just order them on line!"

:funnyup::doh:

D

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:funnyup: Thanks, D for sharing this delightfully funny story! Sooo much just like me and my hubby!

Hugs

Diane

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:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

:omg: I'm laughing to the point of tears right now. This is truly one of the funniest stories I have ever read.

:thankyou: for sharing it and giving me a much-appreciated fit of giggles.

:hugs:

Oh, and I'm right-click saving that puppy for when I need a laugh or two.

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:lmao: Oh D....that is hysterical....I know someone I have to send this story to...she will love it!

Thanks sweetie for sharing....

hugs,

Sue

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Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou! for that laugh. I hate those things,but it is so dag-gum hilarious when guys(no offense to any certain person who might be reading this,sorry..) don't listen to the women around who just might possibly have more of a clue. And isn't it just great when your animals bring you "presents". ( I live in the country too)

Lesson to be learned,...unless there are actual guts or some sort of insides hanging out,don't ever assume a opossum is dead.

Edited by Andrea~mc

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Yes, things can be quite humorous here. However, I am so delighted to report tha my Mr. and Mrs. Goose have returned, as they do each year, to make their nest in one of my ponds. I think they've chosen the one directly behind the house which means I can watch them and their little ones from the porch! If they choose the one in the horse pasture, I will have to wait until they make their trek back and forth from pond to pond.

We are having an early spring, I believe. Hopefully, as I have to halter break my filly. She's a handful! I've never had this much trouble with that process with any of my horses, even a stallion! Must be the wild mustang in her blood or I've lost my touch!

D

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Well, I have a little story to tell that happened today. Doesn't have a lot to do with the farm really, more to do with the ongoing interaction that I have with my husband regarding Gerry.

I'm sure I push him to limits sometimes where Gerry is concerned. He's always saying "pairfect" and today when I asked him why he keeps saying it, he says, "I keep thinking if I can talk with a Scottish accent, it might win me some points."

Usually he's pretty patient and listens to my "gushing". Why would he have a problem with someone who is so unattainable right?

Today, we were driving down the road, POTO was playing on the CD and I started telling him about the movie "Timeline" and how good it was and a little bit about the storyline. He was listening, interested up until I mentioned Gerry's name. Then he says,

"Oh, God, I should have known that "Gerry" was in it somewhere!"

And I said, "Well, you better get used to it because you know how I feel about Gerry!"

Then he said, "Well, I wish he'd take you off of my hands pretty soon so I don't have to listen to it anymore!"

I said, "Oh, really? Well, I'm glad we're having this conversation now then, since you are so OK with it, nothing will be a surprise to you later on and just so you think I wouldn't go in a heart beat, you'd be wrong big boy!"

He says, "Oh, I'm sure you'd go but the big question is would he have you?"

I said, "Well, you just never know now do you?"

Then he said, "That man is not going to give you the time of day nor would there be any "joys of the flesh" either for you in that regard!"

Then as I'm about to pee my pants from hysterically laughing he says,

"YOU better get used to it, babe, "turn around and face your fate", then he points to his own face and says "an eternity of THIS before your eyes!"

D :funnyup:

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Delene...I love your hubby!!!!! That is so cute!

hugs,

Sue

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Delene...I love your hubby!!!!! That is so cute!

hugs,

Sue

You want him? If he doesn't get back to work soon, he's going to drive me crazy!

D :funnyup:

Edited by GBPhanatic

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I have two new members of my "pack". I now have fourteen who run along with me, twelve dogs and two goats! They think they're dogs! You might not even notice them at first until you hear them and notice the little horns and hooves! They actually blend in pretty well! Wish I was computer savvy enough to get a picture and post it here! It's quite a site! This is definately the "funny" farm! Never a dull moment!

D

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