Jump to content
Gerard Butler GALS

Recommended Posts

Dear Dee,

I understand what it feels like to have your world fall in around you sweetie. And I thank God for my sisters here at GALS who have helped me pick up the pieces and get through it. If you need someone to listen to or talk to I'm here my friend. You can post it here or PM me.



Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand.

I've been divorced a year now.In Jan '09 my husband came home from night school(he was getting his masters),sat down on the couch and said "I want you to take the kids and go to your mothers.I don't have the 'warm fuzzies' anymore(yes he actually said warm fuzzies) I love you,but I'm not IN love with you.". He filed for divorce a week later.I was absolutly beside myself because I didn't expect this at all.I can tell you that it will get better.It will be hard,you will have alot of self examination to go through and you will go through a metamorphisis.Because you are going to have to adjust your thinking from being a couple to being a single.You can do it. God made women stronger emotionally for a reason.You are a strong woman.You will survive.

Let yourself cry.You need to.It's ok to cry,you've been hurt,your world is changing.It's normal to cry.It's not normal not to cry.

After you cry,pull yourself together and prepare for battle.You cannot stay down and get depressed because if you do,you will get run over.Make sure you have all your financial and legal documents together.Make a list of what you want from your home.Make a list of what you want out of this settlement,if you have kids,you need to decide what sort of custody you want or don't want.Right now lists are your friend.And no matter how much this situation hurts,it's now a legal matter and you have to think of it as business and not personal.Make multiple copies of everything.But first off....Get a lawyer.You'll need one and make sure you get along with your lawyer because the will be fighting for you.

Get some kick-butt songs together and listen to them.It will give you courage."I will Survive","Breakin' Dishes"(by Rihanna),Scotland the Brave, Before he Cheats and some others were/are mine.

If you are a spiritual person,pray.If you are a Christian,read your Bible. Prayer and meditation go a long way to give you inner peace.Make a collection of inspirational sayings like "God grant me the serenity to accept the things,change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."...."If he's stupid enough to walk away,be smart enough to let him." There are alot of good quote websites.Work towards peace within yourself because this is going to be stressful.

I wish you the best of luck with this,I willpray for you

Link to post
Share on other sites

Andrea, you should write a "how too" book on the subject! That was inspirational, my friend!

Dee, she's so right and divorce is loss just like any other kind of loss whether it's a job or the loss of a loved one to death, but you'll get through it and come out stronger on the other side and sometimes things happen for a reason.

There will be a void and you need to fill it up with friends, family and other interests too. If you dwell on it, it will only serve to break your spirit and you need that right now to be at your best. Get a good lawyer, the ones I always call the "cut throat" divorce lawyer, even if they cost a little more. It's not that you want to actually cut his throat, although you may feel like it at times, it's just that you want to be prepared for any and all contingencies, just in case. If a lawyer seems wishy washy, move on until you get one who is more gung ho and is working in your best interest! In the long run, it will save you and serve you better.

If you have children or even pets, don't allow them to become a tool for revenge. That happens a lot in times of high emotional distress in a divorce. You keep the upper hand by maintaining your calm sensabilities, as much as you can, and don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone. And always expect the unexpected. Don't disregard anything that might happen on the part of your spouse just because you don't believe he'd go to that level. They do and will sometimes when you least expect it and try to catch you off guard. Be on your guard at all times.

Try not to take bad advice, legal or otherwise, from those who mean well but think that pitting you against your ex in a war of revenge is the answer and don't listen to their horror stories. Just because bad things happened to someone else, doesn't mean it will happen to you. So, take all legal advice from your attorney ONLY! Ivanka Trump's famous advice was "Don't get even, get everything!" Well, we're all not married to The Donald, but we can appreciate her spunk anyway.

Like Andrea says, get your finances in order, know your rights within your state (there are books) and get some spirit lifting, soul boosting music together. And above all, take care of yourself and your kids, if you have them. You need to be in the best mental and physical shape of your life during times like this, even though it is difficult.

Sometimes it seems the one who is initiating the divorce is the one with the upper hand and has the cooler head, especially if you have been taken off guard by this and didn't see it coming. Seldom do couples sit down and talk about it first. The sudden ambush of a divorce is usually designed to do just that, surprise you when you least expect it with little consideration for you so you won't be prepared. No doubt he's been thinking about it for some time. So don't let him knock your feet off the ground. Get back up and face him, head on and fight for your rights.

Good luck to you!


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been divorced a year now.In Jan '09 my husband came home from night school(he was getting his masters),sat down on the couch and said "I want you to take the kids and go to your mothers.I don't have the 'warm fuzzies' anymore(yes he actually said warm fuzzies) I love you,but I'm not IN love with you.".

HE wanted a divorce and he asked YOU to leave your home? And the poor kids? Why should they have to lose the security of their familiar surroundings just because he wasn't in love anymore? Anyway, your advice is very inspirational, I don't have anything to add from personal experience, but I know that all my friends who got divorced, even when it wasn't their choice, they all survived and now they live better lives than before, so I guess it is bad at first but it does get better and life goes on, you just have to reinvent parts of it and adjust. My friends have told me that the divorce reminded them that it was OK to look after themselves, not just after a husband or their children.

Dee, hang in there and always come here for support, honey!


Link to post
Share on other sites
we have 2 girls. It seems like that is all I can do is cry. It does not take much and the water works appear like right know. I don't want the kids to see me so upset and that is really hard. I keep telling myself that God doesn't put more on you than you can handle, well I wish that he did not think I could handle so much.
Link to post
Share on other sites
I do'nt have any real close friends except my sister, because my husband and children are my life. We just had our 11th anniversary on Sept. 5th. My children don't really know anything, well I know that they can tell that mommy is sad even though I am trying to act like everything is ok.
Link to post
Share on other sites

HE wanted a divorce and he asked YOU to leave your home? And the poor kids? Why should they have to lose the security of their familiar surroundings just because he wasn't in love anymore?

Yes and yes,he didn't care.We have to live with my parents based on the financial mess he got us into,but we are better off now and the kids are thriving.He kept us all on pins and needles,the kids wouldn't eat much and the youngest rarely talked.Now they have both grown over 6" since we left (my4 yr old is 42" tall and my 3 yr old is 39")and the youngest is one of the most articulate kids I've ever met and I'm not just saying that cause i'm his mommy.(he told my mom something was "quite heavy"...he's 3)

Dee I know it's easy to cry right now,give yourself a real good cry,i mean an 'ugly' cry.But after you've had it,pull yourself together,your kids need YOU right now.Their world has been turned upside down and this is probably more confusing for them than for you. If you feel the water works coming on,go cry,come back and have some fun with your kids.Laughter does wonders.(we like to watch America's Funniest Videos,it's one of my 4 yr olds fav shows) You'

'll need that laughter in the days-years to come.They'll have questions too eventually.I had to explain to my 4 yr old the other day that Mommy didn't make Daddy leave,that Daddy told us to come live with Ma and that Daddy wants to live somewhere else.He accepted it and went about his business and quit asking me questions about that. They need the truth.

As far as God thinking you can handle this much.Think of it this way,what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.I am a much stronger woman now than I was 2 years ago.Everything you will learn through this,you will be able to use to help somebody else on down the road.That's one of the reasons we go through stuff in this life.I've miscarried a couple of times,when it happened,I didn't understand why,BUT I had a friend miscarry this year and I knew what to say because I had been through it too. Someday,someone else is going to need a word of encouragement and you'll know what to say because you lived through it.

Hang in there.If you need to talk,feel free to pm me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't post here much..but I felt so bad reading about your situation. Dee - it WILL make you a stronger woman after this is settled. I know! Like any loss, you are going thru a period of grieving...try to stay strong..rely on your sister to help out..maybe babysit your kids while you get some time to de-stress...even if it's only a cup of coffee or a trip to the store. When my ex left me I felt like I was lost..but I did get stronger..with some counseling. Now, because I did become stronger and more independent, most things that get thrown my way...I guage against that situation...I was at rock bottom then, and I'm still here....much better off..happily remarried with 2 small kids.. I always say to my friends who get divorced..if you can handle that..you can handle almost anything.

I'll be thinking about you.


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...