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Sharing my thoughts


GBPhanatic
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Wow! I don't know how to say what I feel like saying right now! It's actually bothered me for a few days now and kept me awake at night, as it is right now too.

Over the last several days we have gotten a lot of pics of Gerry and many of them have plainly shown that he is smoking again or maybe has been for some time. Anyway, I would love to say that it's not a big deal and everyone slips up and is human and all of that but this is different some how.

I am fully aware that he used to smoke and he claimed to quit it, as well as the drinking. I know he struggled with it and it was hard and I can't begin to understand the addiction to cigarettes fully and I know it is a powerful one but I thought he had pretty much licked it. I am concerned, maybe needlessly, and a bit scared for him and I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing.

I have been noticing an attitude or sense of melancholy from him as of late too. I made a joke about how difficult he would be to live with as he has been getting all the new recognition lately, especially the possible Oscar nom or if he actually won one but maybe some of it did go to his head a little bit but also is making him nervous too.

It is not my place to stand in judgement or to dictate how he conducts his personal life. He is who he is. I won't lie. I hate his smoking. Even though there are things about his life I wish were different because I've grown to care about him, the only thing I've tried to hold him to I suppose is making good films but this is something I feel strongly about.

I wish only the best for him always and I pray that he will find the strength and courage I know he has in him to fight his demons and stay true to himself without succumbing to the pressures of his life.

I will take a break. Allow this strange phase will pass. Maybe someone else has kind of experienced the same thing I'm feeling too and they understand but I hope I'll figure it out soon and be able to put some kind of perspective on it and move on one way or another.

Thanks to all who put up with me and listened to my running on here tonight. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Delene

Edited by GBPhanatic
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I think that over the years, many fans have had to go through the same thing, Delene...where they either accept him as he is, or move on. Some have moved on as I note when I look at the members celebrating their 6th anniversary on GALS..but who are no longer active in G fandom, or are no longer fans at all. I think it is only natural that a fan relationship, to the subject of their fandom changes over time. We fans are changing and going through new life phases, and so is Gerry...so naturally that fan relationship will not remain the same for most of us. And Gerry hasn't made it easy for us because he is a complex human being who has many sides to his nature...so trying to "figure" him out is pretty much impossible.

Over the years of my fandom, I've been shocked and upset numerous times when he's done something so far out of my comfort zone that I almost was turned off to him...but somehow my heart always seems to find a way to love him despite the many times he has not shown himself to be the man I thought I wanted him to be. So ultimately I've had to set my feelings for him in a healthier perspective. I have had to let go in some respects and realize that Gerry lives and works in a whole different universe than me, and I often cannot relate to, or support some of what he's into, but I don't come at life from the same head space he does, nor do I have the same life experiences. So for me the only way I've been able to remain a fan is to define the boundaries more in my own "feelings" for him. I have had to distance myself from the crushy feelings I once had for him and accept that he is not now, nor has he ever been what I wanted him to be. But that's ok.

I have also had to learn that we fans are at a serious disadvantage when it comes to judging, or assessing his character or behavior because of all the information we are fed by the media. Some of it is blatantly false and misleading, some of it is only partly true, some of it is probably his own PR...and it's not always easy to tell which is which...and that's what makes this fandom so frustrating sometimes. We can't and will never know who the "real" Gerry is, so unless we know him personally, we must base our opinions of him on whatever is put out there for our consumption. And that can create a very distorted perspective.

I hope you are able to sort out your feelings for Gerry, and that in the end you will come to a place that is right for you.

Swannie

Edited by Swansong
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I do understand, Delene. I think you alter through time and as Bonnie typed we really never knew/know him.

I'm very much impressed by some of his work and I love his sense of humour but sometimes I feel that Gagaland has taken it's toll.

I don't know, of course - just a little bit worried here.

Hugs from naughty Eva Mari :cunning:

Edited by NordicGirl
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Thank you so much for that insightful perspective, Swannie! I really appreciate it. I guess the danger lies when you cross over from that more superficial admiration and attraction (crushing) on someone to a deeper feeling where you care about them as a person and their well being, not just the career part. And when you see destructive patterns re-emerge, it frightens you on that deeper level and you have to step back and say, "Hey, I can't do anything here and I don't have a right too".

I'm sure he has friends and associates as well as his family that are there for him and protect him and that have his best interest in mind and knowing that helps alleviate some of MY own feelings of helplessness right now. But a person is responsible for themselves and their own actions in the end aren't they? And you can choose to stick by them even if you feel like things could take a wrong turn.

Eva Marie, I'm so happy to hear from you! Glad to see you here and I love that you took the time to give me your input. You were one of my first friends here!

Thank you both, ladies, for your supportive comments and allowing me to vent my feelings.

Hugs, :kiss:

Delene

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I think Swannie did a great job of describing what can and often does occur in the course of becoming interested/fascinated with a celebrity. I venture to guess that there was a time when her feelings about Gerry were every bit as deep and intense as those of anyone here, not just "crushy".

We are kind of like the blind men who were introduced to the elephant. One could only feel the tail, one the trunk, one the leg and each developed their own perception of what the elephant looked like and none of them had the real picture. We see bits of the real Gerry and we see pieces of the creation - whether in his roles, from his PR, from the gossip mongers and we try to develop in our hearts and minds who the real man is, yet none of us really knows him. I give him the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.

As far as any self-destructive behavior, like smoking... though we may care deeply for his well-being we need to accept that even if he was a member of our family or a close friend we'd have absolutely NO influence over him. One of the most important things I had to learn through 12-step programs is ACCEPTANCE - and the primary thing being that I have no control whatsoever over other people, places or things. The best I can do is say a prayer for someone whom I see doing something that I feel is not healthy. I cannot change them or make them want to change. In the case of Gerry we are even farther removed than his family and friends so it would preserve our individual peace of mind to really embrace that concept of acceptance. If we truly care so deeply for him then think of how you would deal with a family member - if your brother or son was smoking, though you may voice your wish for them to stop because it isn't healthy, would you actually consider cutting them out of your life and your heart over it? Would you love or care for them less because of it? As a former smoker and a former drinker myself, I DO understand the power of addictions, and how easy it is to slip back into them.

Five years ago when Gerry appeared at the Las Vegas convention and told us that he feared if we really knew him we would not like him, I took that as probably true. If I expected real Gerry to be a combination of Andre Marek, The Phantom, The Stranger, and the charming guy I had seen on talk shows then I would probably be sorely disappointed. Over the years I've learned to distance myself a little more, and be OK with the fact that he is basically a good-hearted guy who is sometimes a jerk - just like most human beings. I let him step off the pedastal (rather than fall off) and just be, flaws, foibles and failings included. Now he only has the power to break my heart on screen.

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Delene you are a classic example of fans who cross the line from being just fans who likes to see films/interviews to getting too submerged in all aspects of the celeb's life. Gerry's fandom is the most involved I've ever been in any fandom and it surprised me initially how deeply involved his fans are with respect to his non working life.

It can give you many hours of fun interacting with other fans and being part of a great community, but the dangers arise when you invest so much time/effort and the object of your fandom evolves into something you didn't see coming or don't approve of etc. I bet you so many fans feel they have a deeper "relationship" with Gerry and know more about him than members of their own family. It's very unhealthy but none of us can help it and can't explain why we are fixated in the way we are. I know I go to alot of PAs and love seeing him in the flesh but while i'm under no illusions of anything else I can't explain the need to keep seeing him. I know I'm not the only one who feels like that after meeting him.

While I'm sorry FOR him that he couldn't kick the habit YET I can't be annoyed as he's only human. He has struggled with other vices and if he falls off wagon with those too, again I'll be upset FOR him, support him in his struggle, and hope he conquers everything. As for his "changing" personality I don't see it and having seen him a few times this year he's been the same caring giving Gerry he's always been to me, if not more.

As you said it's your problem to work out your feelings. All he owes us is a great performance. All we are to him are loyal fans and on that respect he goes above and beyond in his constant awesome treatment of us. As we are not family or friends anything else is our own problem, not his, to deal with and resolve if he isn't who we want him to be.

Moira

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Hi Delene,

I think all of us run the course of different feelings for Gerry .... personally myself I know I have. The feelings I had for Gerry have changed over the years .... make no mistake I still "crush" on him when some new hot picture comes out .. lol ... but I guess I can honestly say that my involvement in GALS is in many ways more about my friendships here than it is about Gerry anymore (that is until a new hot picture shows up and I'm done once again .. lol).

That being said, I don't think we can say that Gerry has changed as much as maybe we have changed. I say this because truly there is no way for us to know if Gerry has changed...we don't know him. He may still be the sweetest guy on earth to those in his life or he may be very hard to live with ... ????? How would we ever know these kinds of things. We can only imagine. Gerry made mention at the first convention that if we really knew him we wouldn't like him....that he was a real "f**k up" ... but personally I don't care because whatever he is ... he has provided me with comfort through his beautiful portrayal of the characters he's played, giving me the outlet for my emotions when life has gotten to hard and most importantly brought me to this site where I have made life long friends and sisters. So like you said, we all have some reason to be grateful for the man that we know as Gerry.

Give yourself whatever time you need my dear.

hugs,

Sue

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Swannie gave an excellent response! I think it's an insightful perspective of one who has been a long time Gerry fan, and how that experience evolves and changes. I concur with so much of what Swan wrote.

Delene, you may be evolving into a new aspect of your fandom; one that may be more realistic and healthy for your peace of mind!

Sounds like you have all the right rational answers, but your heart just hasn't caught up to your head yet. Give it time and it will.

:hugs:

Katie

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Delene you are a classic example of fans who cross the line from being just fans who likes to see films/interviews to getting too submerged in all aspects of the celeb's life.

Although I agree with you on most of what you say, Moria, and I admit I probably take more of an interest in him personally beyond his career then I should, I would not say I've crossed any line IMO. I would think if I were that kind of fan, I'd spend my days researching everything about him, have a shrine in my living room with his photos and living my life inbetween making plans to attend events where he will be and be front and center on film sets just to be near him. I have both the time and the means to do all of that but I haven't. That's fine for those who want to put that much energy in to it I guess.

There are many fans here on this site who have corrected me on my lack of knowledge and know far more then I do about his personal life and even his personal quirks, which always amazes and amuses me. So I would argue that I am the classic example of a fan who has crossed the line and become too submerged in all that is Mr. Butler.

I think I'm no different then a lot of his fans who have developed an attachment to him maybe on a more soulful or spiritual level because he personafies our dreams and fantasies and encourages that escapism. But in order to do that, you have to be intuned to it by the person and if they turn out to be something other then what they've portrayed themselves to be, then maybe you might feel a bit betrayed in that regard. I'm not saying that this is the case here but I do see him in a bit of a different light over the last few days and I guess I have to admit to myself I didn't really know him as well as I thought I did.

As far as caring about a celebrity as you would a child or relative, etc,. I don't believe it's the same. Blood is blood. Actually, it's more like a spouse or even a friend in that you can stand by them and support them up to a point and when they seem to stop caring what you think, what they do collides with your value system, become self destructive or doing things that may take you down with them, you have to make some hard decisions about how far you want to go with them. You can always love someone but the way you care about them sometimes changes or evolves. Does that make sense?

As far as my heart and my head goes, I always lead with my head but I end up letting my heart take over sometimes in the end or my gut whichever. Makes me seem a bit too practical and cold sometimes but it usually serves me well. I think that's what's happening now. It's like always seeing the good side of someone and playing down the bad until it almost goes away out of sight (you do this with loved ones too of course) then that other side suddenly pops back up at you and your head finally gets it....maybe. It's harder to go through that with someone you don't know personally I think because you can't speak to them or ask them what's going on.

I do appreciate you all taking the time to voice your wonderful perspectives on it.

Even though many of you don't view his smoking as that big of a deal, I am concerned about it. Maybe that's all that it is and like Katie says, my heart is trying to catch up to what my head thinks! I do tend to get upset and draw conclusions first and ask questions later, bad habit of mine, in my real life so it's part of my problem dealing with things I don't like.

Thanks, ladies, for your input in helping me evaluate my confusing feelings and you've really helped a lot. :wave:

Delene

Edited by GBPhanatic
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Delene I'm not saying "cross the line" in a bad way like "stalking", some may interpret as that. I'm meaning like so many of us you've gone beyond what is deemed normal for fans. You've invested more than we should in an individual regardless of how you choose to spend your hours. Sue is right it's us who evolve. Lets face it there has to come a time for every Gerry fan when the honeymoon period wears off and while he's still important in our lives he fits around us not us around him. Some may hang about purely for the friendships they've made.

I think of all the hours I used to spend online making sure I found all the new stuff as and when it occurs, the lack of sleep etc, now that's not important to me. The info will always be there when I get up and I let the other keener people who want to man their computers 24/7 do the hard work :rotflmao: i still love doing PAs as it's as much about seeing my friends as it is Gerry but I've tried to pull back on being online 24/7.

Moira

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Just wanted to pop in again to say that the friendships and inspirations and trying new stuff certainly has been a gem for me and all because I saw

this DVD POTO and wondered who he was IRL.

Well, - I'm still not too sure about that but very thankful that he made me find all of you!

AND the wonderful poetry of Delene's that inspired so many signatures, - just a fraction came to be but they all sent me on a wonderful journey!

So I hope you will be typing down some more... *Hint, hint* ;)

Hugs from me :)

Edited by NordicGirl
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Just wanted to pop in again to say that the friendships and inspirations and trying new stuff certainly has been a gem for me and all because I saw

this DVD POTO and wondered who he was IRL.

Well, - I'm still not too sure about that but very thankful that he made me find all of you!

AND the wonderful poetry of Delene's that inspired so many signatures, - just a fraction came to be but they all sent me on a wonderful journey!

So I hope you will be typing down some more... *Hint, hint* ;)

Hugs from me :)

Thank you so much, Eva Marie!

Hugs,

Delene :kisswink:

Edited by GBPhanatic
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I think we all go through this sometimes, Delene. You're right that we do like to see him in a certain light, because of what we get out of the fandom. If it's fantasy and escape that we crave, then behaviors that push him away from our fantasy man are going to interfere with that and upset us.

Gerry's absolutely not perfect, and even those of us who think we have a realistic view of him are probably still off. He makes mistakes, and he can be a jerk, and you may not be wrong in your concern that he's been changed as a result of his success (although I choose not to believe it). We all just have to take all the information that is out there (or that we choose to accept, LOL), and incorporate it into our Gerry and work with what we find.

I've had a few of these existential Gerry crises myself, and I dealt with it by taking a small step back. I stayed away from GALS and Gerry news for a few weeks, and took a break from his movies. The time away helped me gain perspective, adjust my expectations for him and myself, and made me feel a lot better. Not to mention, just when you think you're ready to walk away, he does something classic Gerry that reminds us that underneath the flaws, he's an amazing man with a wonderful heart.

I also don't think you've crossed a line in your fandom. Everyone chooses to live it differently (and for lots of us, it truly is LIVING a fandom!), and no one can say what's right for someone else. I choose for my Gerry connection to be more personal than career-interested, and that's what makes me happy. He came into my life as a way to escape my unhappiness, so that purpose entailed a certain amount of obsessiveness. Since then, my Gerry fandom has helped me in other ways: inspiring me to be creative (like you), and to follow my dreams.

Just give yourself a little break, and I guarantee by the time it's over you (and Gerry, LOL) will both be the better for it. :)

Stephanie

Edited by AbandonThought
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I stayed away from GALS and Gerry news for a few weeks, and took a break from his movies.

Thank you, Stephanie, for your words and obviously, I'm not doing a very good job of staying away from GALS. I've got friends here too and that makes it a bit harder.

I've always been one to keep certain "attractions" at arm's length. I sometimes fear getting too in to them, like watching QVC, haha. Gerry started out being like an attraction and a curiosity. Guess just like experimenting with a drug, you might get hooked, right and no good comes with addiction?

I have to confess, I don't watch his movies like many do. I have my favs and I own most of them and have watched most of them at least once but the only time I really settle in with Gerry is when I steal away by myself to my timeshare condo and I pack a bunch of them up and have a gerathon! In fact, I was doing that very thing and in the middle of POTO that fateful Christmas night a couple of years ago when I got a rip roaring case (and I do mean "rip") of food poisoning and wound up in the ER! Ah, the memories!

Anyway, thanks for responding. You are wise beyond your years, young woman!

And thank you, Eva Mari, for your avid support and admiration of my poetry.

Hugs to all for your input! :wave:

Delene

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