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Gerard Butler GALS

My Wish


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I Wish

In every way and in everything I wish I could go back in time. Back to when my husband was healthy. Back to the days before this awful disease started to rob us both of our joy, our peace, our intimacy, and our deep conversations. I miss talking with him. Really talking-where he listens and understands what I’m saying, and where he boggles my mind with his brilliance and wisdom as we discuss the topics that interest us. Now, well he tries…but he simply cannot connect on the level he once did. I often see his eyes turn inward when we talk, and I can tell that he isn’t grasping what I’m saying. Words cannot convey how much that hurts, because our relationship began with deep and meaningful conversations. Conversations that could go on for hours. Conversations that fed my soul and nourished our love for each other.

I wish I could go back to the time when life was an adventure. When we dreamed big dreams and set out to achieve them. He loved to set goals. Big goals. And he always saw them through. Now, just managing his day to day activities drains me and him both. There are no big goals anymore. Only just getting through the next day and the next. He struggles with all the little things. He can’t organize. He can’t get things done. He can’t remember.

I wish I could go back to when we were passionate about each other. When we celebrated physical love and spiritual oneness. Oh, how I miss those times of him just gazing into my eyes after lovemaking-and I miss the soul I would see there looking back at me through the blue. I’m ashamed to admit that it hurts me to look into his eyes now. So I mostly keep mine closed to avoid that unbearable pain.

I miss the man. His masculine strength and determination. I miss being pursued with those come hither looks. I miss being backed up against the wall and kissed to the point of losing myself in the moment. Oh yes, there are still kisses between us-but there is no fire, and I’ve tried but I can’t ignite one on my own. That kind of fire does not come from the body alone, but from two souls colliding into hail of sparks and awareness. We once had that.

I wish I could go back to when there was creativity flowing through this house. Those days of his writing and thinking and creating. He can’t write anymore. His words are failing him-a man who loves words is losing them little by little, like water dripping from a leaky faucet. I miss the music, the faith, the excitement of our creative energies dancing together. My art. His ideas. His hope and faith written down. That sense of something always happening and being on the verge of greatness.

And I miss the me I used to be. I try but I just can’t hold onto her. She hardly sings anymore and hasn’t played her guitar or written a worship song in years. As he fades she is fading with him. I can see it when I look in the mirror. Her eyes are always sad.

I wish I could go back to when life was fun. When there were parties and events to celebrate. When we were busy and always on the go, and when we had a destination. Now, an event or social occasion means stress. It means he has to hold his thoughts together and he has to be sociable. It makes him tired. It makes him anxious. So we don’t go. We don’t do. We stay at home.

I wish I could go back to those times of being sure in my faith, of being a warrior and of fighting my way through life’s challenges through my passion for God and HIS promises to me. Those times of prayer, of reading and loving my bible-loving HIS words and loving HIM with my whole heart. Now I just don’t. I want to but I can’t.

I wish I could go back….

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My dear Swannie! I know the pain you are going through right now and how you wish you could go back in time! We all have those wishes to some degree. You write so beautifully that you should be writing all of this journey down that you and Bill are embarking on now! It's not fair, the cards you've been dealt, but you have to play them and the best you can. Your love for each other may not hold the physical passion that it once did but now it will sustain with the spiritual passion you have.

There are so many others like you going through this or have or will and you need to find your inner voice again and reach down in side of you and with Bill's help, the two of you chronicle your journey together, the ups and downs, the bad with the good and there will be some good although not so much how it used to be! Sometimes your destiny comes in strange packages.

I hope you'll find your joy in little things now and that living moment to moment will give you some peace too. Don't think too far ahead but don't reach too far back either because it will just tug at your heart too much and keep you from moving forward. Life is an evolution, constantly changing and I guess we just have to adapt to those changes and even though it doesn't seem fair, it's inevitable.

I know at times you probably get angry too and you need to allow yourself to feel every emotion this brings out and what better outlet for it then the written word! That's always been my comfort zone!

Start with this beautiful post and go from there! Put this time of feeling hopeless to good use for yourself and Bill and make it become more hopeful because when you can share with others the beauty and the tragedy of your story, you continue to grow and you've taken the hopelessness out of it and put you and Bill in a form of immortality of sorts.

My heart goes out to you and wish you and Bill the best!


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