Am I being unreasonable???????

[Sarah]

I need your advice GALS. Am I being totally unreasonable??

Simon was away for work all last week, and both Alex and I were sick. It's the third time in 2 months he has been away for 3 or more nights.

He had organized a training session on Tuesday night, and would have been home at 10pm, but cancelled it due to lack of numbers. Then on Wednesday night he went to a mates house to watch football, leaving me alone again. Now he's staying back for work drinks.

I am getting pretty jack of it. I hate being by myself at night. I have addressed the issue nicely, and not so nicely, on several occasions to no avail.

Plus, he just isn't cooperating with helping me now I am working during the day. He throws a wob if I ask him to pick Alex up from Kindy in the afternoon, is a total slob, and has to be prodded to help me around the house. He does do his own washing as he says I don't do it right. (?????)

I feel like screaming. I never wanted him to take a job where he is away so much. I don't care how much he earns - to me it's not worth it. I would prefer him to be at home with Alex than working so much.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to come home to his family rather than go out when he keeps going away for work so much??

[Swansong]

No Sarah... you are not being unreasonable. Simon is being a selfish, and immature arse. Sorry for the bluntness.... but that's how I see it. He is no longer a single man, in the sense that the three of you are supposed to be a family. The BOY needs to bloody grow up.... he's not good enough for you Sarah.

Swan

[Sarah]

WOW! Swan.... that was blunt! But makes me feel better, like I am not being a harpy. (Which I get made to feel like!)

Honestly - I understand he needs to go away for work - it's part of the job. But I am just getting fed up with being the sole adult here for Alex. It makes me feel selfish, but I need a break!

[Terry's Witch]

Hon, he is running away from his responsibilities because he is afraid he might have to do something. No, you are not being unreasonable. Mine actually took a pay loss and stayed home to help me when mine were little. It held him back for some years. So I guess I would expect it of my hubby and you should expect it of yours.

See you tomorrow and big hugs till I can give you the real thing

Cat

[Sarah]

Thanks Cat. It's now 10pm and I called him - got no answer. He just called back and reckons he hasn't had that much to drink as he is driving. He asked what time I want him home and I said 4 hours ago and told him he better not be coming in the bed room as he ain't sleeping in the same bed as me.

I just hate this...... why can't life be easy??

I just want to be in relationship where I am happy, and my partner values me, and cares about my opinions. Are there ANY men out there like that?? Maybe I should think about batting for the other team!

[Suz]

Sarah, I am in no position to give advice as my marriage has crumbled in the last few months. I feel bad for Alex though not getting to see his Daddy very much. Maybe you should start going out a couple of nights in a row and leave him with Alex. Let him see how it feels to be cooped up with no help. Make sure you sneeze on him a couple of times first so he can be sick too.

If you decide to start batting for the other team let me know and we will start a "I am so sick of men I am becoming a lesbian" thread.

Edited June 16, 2006 by Suz

[Terry's Witch]

Well, maybe if you do want to start that batting practice I should introduce you to my lovely daughter... she does already....

Beside that, there are some guys out there who can and do treat their wives and partners with respect. My hubby is one and lately I am proud to say my son is seen to be by his partner. So keep smiling, and looking. They are out there and the other team.... well that is not something you can just do .... lol

[becozy]

Gah!

:cry:

Sarah, I feel terrible for you and for your situation.

Other team's not the way to go...it's not that he's a man, but rather human.

The best to do is to be calm for Alex's sake and your health.

Can you get some relief and support with household from family or girlfriends without

going into details with them? Maybe a play date at a cousins or grandma's once a week in the evening to give you a bit of alone time?

It must be so aggravating that he's such a slob (sounds like my son~they just don't 'see' it!)

which makes extra work for you, and that he's oblivious to your distress.

Wish I could help out; know I'll be sending good thoughts your way and I do think of you often and keep you in my prayers at night (corny but true!).

Hugs,

Barb

[aussierose]

:cry: Why is it that some men are BLOODY TWATS!!!

Just letting you know that I am here if you need me - say if you want to have a

You know that we both have the same problem - LAZY BUGGER SYNDROME, our men seem to have acquired it somewhere!!!

Sounds like Simon needs a good :whip: to get him into shape!!!

Edited June 16, 2006 by aussierose

[Adoring]

Sarah, you aren't being unreasonable at all. Being part of a family unit means having responsibilities and respecting all the other team members. It sounds like he's tuned you out. Maybe instead of trying to get him to see your way with vinegar, you should try some sugar. A wee trip to Victoria's Secret for something ultra sexy, a trip to the package store for a nice bottle of wine, a meal ordered in, candles, crisp clean sheets, and then a babysitter who take take the kids for an overnight!!

Good luck honey!

Edited June 16, 2006 by Adoring

[Sarah]

Sarah, I am in no position to give advice as my marriage has crumbled in the last few months. I feel bad for Alex though not getting to see his Daddy very much. Maybe you should start going out a couple of nights in a row and leave him with Alex. Let him see how it feels to be cooped up with no help. Make sure you sneeze on him a couple of times first so he can be sick too.

I rung my Mum last night and told her that I would be going to stay with her for a few days next week, without Alex, and she was a bit hesitant. I can kinda understand why too. I wanted Simon to get the idea of what it's like to be here alone with a child for days whilst struggling with work etc, but I know who would suffer - Alex.

Poor little bugger.

My hubby is one and lately I am proud to say my son is seen to be by his partner.

Cat, you have obviously brought your son up right. I hope I can to the same.

Can you get some relief and support with household from family or girlfriends without

going into details with them? Maybe a play date at a cousins or grandma's once a week in the evening to give you a bit of alone time?

Thats a great idea Barb.... but both my Mum and sister live right over the other side of town.

Maybe instead of trying to get him to see your way with vinegar, you should try some sugar

LOL! I could, but right now that is the LAST thing I want to do! I tried a while ago to get some extra action...but it just didn't happen.

[Dawn]

Aww Sarah, I feel terrible for you, sadly there are too many men who are complete morons about relationships. It's totally not fair of him, you're both working and should be equally sharing responsibilities around the house!!! You are in no way being unreasonable!!

On a positive note, there are some awesome men out there (few and far between) I know, I have one, and after finding him I immediately chained him up in a closet!!! Now he can't escape...

Just remember, you are a beautiful woman, and should be valued and cherished, so don't sell yourself short for Simon if you aren't happy!!!

Dawn

[tonifinds2]

Wow Sarah, you have just described my marriage for probably the first 15 years we married. Then I had a good friend that pointed something out to me. My Hubby had never grown up, because I made it too easy for him to stay a child. I always paid all the bills (he has always worked but him and money are not a good mix) the house was all my responsibility, the childrens health and wealthfare, even remembering "his" mothers birthday somehow had become my job. Then I stopped.

I bought black furniture, put dark carpet in my house. I called him and told him, you will have to come home because I have made plans that cannot be put off. I stopped feeling guilty for his laziness. If the lawn needed mowed I hired someone else to do it, and made Jeff pay for it. Basically if it was something he needed, but not something that we all needed done.....well he did it or it just didn't happen.

I also started doing something else that I had forgotten to do. I praised him for the things he did do, and tried very hard to over look the things that didn't get done right off the bat. If I came home and the girls were alive and fed, and in bed... I over looked the fact that they hadn't been bathed. When he got up on a Saturday morning and made the coffee, I made sure he knew how much that was helping me get moving. And I ignored the fact that somehow every dish in the kitchen had been used to make that pot of coffee.

Don't get me wrong Jeff is still very lazy, when he comes home he naps first and everything else comes second...but he spends more time with the kids now, and actually enjoys it (way more than he thought he would) And he thinks more about me and those things I need more too. Raising a husband is always a challenge.... You are not being unreasonable, you deserve the same repsect that you have always shown him, if he refuses to grow up it is not your fault and you deserve better. I hope he sees what what a lucky man he really is.... (((HUGS))) Toni

[discoveringme]

Wow, Toni. Such good advice. I think that's good for all of us to remember not only when it comes to the men we've married but for our kids as well. If they are doing chores around the house, even if it's not perfect, at least they are doing it. I get caught up in the details too much sometimes and forget that.

Thanks for the reminder. ::

[Suz]

Raising a husband is always a challenge....

Its harder than raising kids. I can handle the terrible 2's not the horrible 22,23,24,25,26,27, and 28's.

[Sarah]

Don't get me wrong Jeff is still very lazy, when he comes home he naps first and everything else comes second...

Gee- that sounds familiar!

Good advice though Toni. I guess at this point in time I have to work out what I want to do about it. I'm just scared that in 25 years time I'll wake up and realise I've wasted my life with the wrong man. That scares the HELL out of me.

Basically, Simon is a good person, but totally selfish and motivated only by what he wants. (What man isnt though??) All this stuff wasn't that much of an issue before Alex - but it's a big deal now.

[stagewomanjen]

Raising a husband is always a challenge.... You are not being unreasonable, you deserve the same repsect that you have always shown him, if he refuses to grow up it is not your fault and you deserve better.

Um, Toni, I love you! I guess as a single girl I've seen this part of a relationship and just never had the words to describe it, but that's hilarious. It'd be even more hysterical if it wasn't so friggin true....

Basically, Simon is a good person, but totally selfish and motivated only by what he wants. (What man isnt though??) All this stuff wasn't that much of an issue before Alex - but it's a big deal now.

Sarah - listen, babe. I know that Mums and serious significant others have to put up with a LOT more crud than us unattached ladies, mainly because they've got so much more to risk. But there is no way in hell that I'd stand for this where I am now. You just said that it wasn't much of an issue before Alex, although it was still an issue to you. But here's the thing - although they seem to be few and far between, there are men out there that are really wonderful men AND wonderful spouses and daddies. There's a guy that I work with that is the most dedicated, amazing father and husband to his wife and three kids. Sure, I'll try not to mention it too much so that he gets a big head about it, but he's really just fabulous, and one helluva guy, despite his minor flaws.

So Simon needs to come to realize, one way or another, that you're amazing for him. And if he doesn't see it, refuses to grow up and be the man and father that you and Alex need him to be, then he doesn't deserve the both of you.

Love you!

Jen

[Terry's Witch]

Sarah,

Since we talked the other night I have had time to think about your situation. I actually think Toni is right. Maybe there is now such a communication rift between you and Simon it is going to take a lot to get it sorted. My take on things, there was something at one time between you and Simon that has gotten lost. I get a gut feeling that you could quite likely fix it if you wanted to.

Right now you are in the middle of it. Maybe doing what Toni suggested, bringing Simon into the relationship between you and Alex is what is needed. He is likely feeling left out and so stays away. I had the reverse trouble in my marriage... I was the sleepy slob. But in the end, trying to live up to my husbands expectations when the kids were little cause me to become depressed. We had a huge fight and I walked out.... to the nearest shop and bought a pack of ciggies. I sat there and smoked about 5 and... returned home. He was upset and so was I. We agreed to put some rules on the table. He would work and do the outside of the house and fix things, I would take care of kids and inside and on weekends we would share kid stuff.

But the point is, we had to sit down and put a set of rules in place. As Toni said, maybe he doesn't understand what is needed because he has been a kid too long, and you have allowed it.

So if you decide you want to hang on to the relationship and give it one more try, sit him down, look at some responsibilities and things that you both can overlook, and give it a time period, say 6 months. Don't let something that has potential slip through your fingers.

My 2 cents worth said with love and affection

Cat

[Faenwyn]

Sarah, I am in no position to give advice as my marriage has crumbled in the last few months. I feel bad for Alex though not getting to see his Daddy very much. Maybe you should start going out a couple of nights in a row and leave him with Alex. Let him see how it feels to be cooped up with no help. Make sure you sneeze on him a couple of times first so he can be sick too.

If you decide to start batting for the other team let me know and we will start a "I am so sick of men I am becoming a lesbian" thread.

Batting for the other team! I think my ex husband causes that, I was his first wife and he is now on wife number 8. Four of his ex-wives decided to bat for the other team when he was through with them. 4 out of 7, not good odds, What is that like 60 0/0 when the population is only 10 0/0 normally! I think Gerry could persuade some of those back to the home team. What do you think?

My husband of 25 years, works away and only comes home on weekends, some places are so far away he only comes home once a month. I think that is why we are still so happy with each other, we are always glad to see one another. My husband took a low paying job close to home for 5 years to help with the children. He had to start over from scratch so now we have no retirement. We will be living in a cardboard box when he retires but the kids have some good if somewhat impoverished memories. Chin up! Every marriage has rough patches. Men are harder to train than puppies, but they generally smell better LOL! ::

[Terry's Witch]

Chin up! Every marriage has rough patches. Men are harder to train than puppies, but they generally smell better LOL! ::

Mostly true, sometimes I'm not sure if it's him or one of the dogs but..... mostly true