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Gerard Butler GALS

A Strange Story

Dr. Em

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This was just an "Erma Bombeck" type of silly story. Most people didn't understand it...oh, well.


So today, we finally had good weather so that I could get out in my yard to tend to the weeds which have sprouted up since last fall. Excited to spend the day in the dirt, pulling weeds with reckless abandon, basking in the warm sun, breathing in the fresh spring air.

So I grab my tunes (I’m never without my tunes), gather my tools, fill my water bottle and bravely go where no one has gone before – since last fall, that is. It’s ugly – really, really, ugly. I work full-time, I’m a single mom and most nights I have something going on, or the weather has been too bad, so my gardens have been grossly neglected.

Standing in the middle of my front yard, I look this way, then that way, and wonder, “Oh, where do I begin?” Feeling a little overwhelmed, but excited to tackle this great and monumental task, I start in the first flower bed.

My mind thinks of so many things while I pull the fledgling and not-so-fledgling weeds and I find myself analyzing my life. I think of the weeds as all those things I need to pull out of my life, my bad habits, people who bring me down, etc. As I clip back my roses, I notice the new buds beginning to form and think of this as a sense of renewal for me and the new things and people I will have in my life. I lay down fertilizer and think, of all the crap that has been laid on me. Yes, this is what I do. A pretty pathetic way to live, I know.

After five long hours of working (yes, I have a whole lot of garden area), I come across IT. IT is a dreaded morning glory. But this is not just ANY morning glory, it is the morning glory from hell. Giant doesn’t begin to describe this monstrosity. I begin to wonder how I will ever be able to rid myself of this giant beast. I look around it, scratch my now sunburned head, and contemplate on this great feat of horror I am now faced with.

I grab the shovel and begin to dig. I dig and pull and pull and dig. It’s not budging. One of the thoughts that came to my mind was, “I need a big strong man to pull this out. I’m just a little gal.” Then it hits me and I get pissed. “No!” I yell in my warped little head! “I don’t need no stinking man!” My determination has hit a new level and I will not leave until this monster is annihilated.

I have now dug a full foot into the hard soil, but this is not near far enough. I begin to think the roots are under the foundation of the house, being held there by tons of concrete as every time I pull, nary a movement is made. So I dig further. “Is there no end to this root!” I scream silently. I decide at this point, I need a small break from this battle. So I go to another area just next to the monster from hell. I begin easily pulling weeds... when it happens. Ants, yes, thousands of red ants.

The ants climb up this leg, down my gloves, going every direction possible on my body, biting as they go. I have now discovered a new dance – I call it the, “Pain Sucks” dance. Not very creative, but it worked at the time. After a little while, I seem to have conquered the red army and move back to my hellish beast. I have decided I will not quit until this beast has departed from this life and has been sent to weed hell. But now I have complicated matters. Now the red army has migrated to the beast and not only do I have to contend with the beast, but the whole of the red army as well.

Undaunted, I begin again on my quest. I am being bitten by the red army, but I’m focused on the goal. I start pulling again. Now I know it – I’m going to get a hernia. But I pull anyway, until...SNAP!!! The beast does the unthinkable...it breaks!!! I fall back on my butt, legs in the air, arms above my head nearly hitting the concrete blocks separating my yard from my neighbors. Cursing that would make a sailor blush escape from my sunburned lips. “This will not deter me from my little battle!” I exclaim with clinched fist raised like Scarlet O’Hara in “Gone With the Wind.” As I gather my courage, I proclaim with great determination and zeal, “Now let it be war upon you both!” So, I’ve seen “The Phantom of the Opera” a few too many times.

On my knees I go, using my hands to take away the dirt nestled along side the white root. One more foot I dig down, stopping occasionally to get a few more of the red army off my ruby red swollen flesh.

My determination is immeasurable and I see the red ants as society telling me what I can and can’t do. I will not be daunted! The tap root of the morning glory now represents the root of all evil – so, I’m a little dramatic – but I am ready to do away with it forever.

The battle continues for what seems to be an eternity, when the giant beast from hell finally capitulates and releases it’s long tap root from the clay-like soil. I hold up the root as if it is the Wimbledon Trophy and dance in sheer and utter delight. Singing in my head, "Ding, dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The Wicked Witch..." Breathless, I feel a great sense of freedom! I have won the war, the war on society, the war against evil, the war on my bad habits and bad men in my life, the war against all that is holy!!!! Now I am the great and powerful Conqueror, “I am woman, hear me roar!!!” I think to myself, as I begin cleaning up the remnants of my holy war and go inside the house in search of my spoils...a big bowl of vanilla ice cream smothered in caramel and chocolate.

Yes, this is a day in the life of a single, celibate, but very happy woman. Pretty pathetic, ain’t it?


Dr. Em

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  • 5 weeks later...
I haven't ventured into this forum before at all, but this morning something made me click on this story and I really enjoyed it! I know you are out of commission at the moment Dr. Em but when you are back with us I hope you see this and know that someone read it, got it, and is very proud of you for conquering the demons! Hope you've fully healed from the attack of the red army!!
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  • 9 months later...

Paige gives Dr. Em two thumbs up and sings" you're every woman... it's all in you" :claphands:

You go Dr.Em

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Hi to Dr Em...I guess Zany "ressurected" this thread, and I'm glad she did since I enjoyed the story. You certainly are NOT pathetic Dr Em!! You are very in tune with things and what they may mean...it's an allegory, right? I totally understood it, and congrats for getting to the bottom of that garden demon!! :claphands:

I like your comment about getting rid of "weeds" in your life...like "people who bring you own". That is SO important, but so hard to do sometimes. Especially if the "weed/person" is a co-worker or a family member. It's hard to do, but your life is so much better when you've gotton them out of your life, or at least are able to keep them at a distance. Unfortunately that would be my dad and younger sister.

You have to have the courage to pull yourself away from your family, or other close relationships. Life's too short to let them, (those "weeds") choke the life out of you!!

Thank you Dr Em. :butterfly:

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